As Thanksgiving approaches, I think about last year and where I was at. It was right after Thanksgiving that we found out that we were expecting. I almost did a post last year at this time about the struggles we were going through, but I hesitated. But now I feel that I should write that post that should have been done a year ago.
I feel that in the LDS society there is a topic that is taboo...infertility. It seems that it is suppose to be that all one needed to do was look at her husband and she would immediately get pregnant. Dealing with infertility is something that I would never wish upon anyone! Infertility sucks!
Physically the 2 1/2 years before finally getting pregnant were grueling. My poor body was shoved full of hormones, poked and prodded, and examined thoroughly. Going to the doctor's on average 3-4 times a month was normal. I joked during this time that with all the money that we were putting into me with co-payments, cost of drugs and procedures that I was a Ferrari car monthly payment.
Emotionally, infertility was the worst! The emotional roller coaster was amplified by the hormone drugs. I have never been so depressed in my life! Then there were the comments by others that hurt that were not intended to because they were unaware of what we were going through. It seemed that everywhere I looked everyone was getting pregnant, including some of my teenage clients I was working with. It took everything I had to slap on a happy face and go to all the baby showers during those years. Even holidays hurt to deal with....and let's not talk about how badly Mother's Day hurt!
Last year I found
this song on the internet that deeply touched me and I felt that it was "my song" as I dealt with infertility because I would have done anything to be a mother. I would watch it over and over. I still cry when I watch the music video.
This slide show was also brought to my attention and it touched my heart as well.
I married an amazing man who emotionally held me up for those years. He seriously deserves a trophy or a direct pass to heaven! Lately I have found myself staring at our precious little girl and I cannot help but cry happy tears and have extreme love for this little one who Heavenly Father has entrusted us with.
I know many people, some loved and close to me and others who are acquaintances, who are struggling with infertility. My heart and prayers go out to those struggling with infertility and my arms are always open for a hug and a shoulder to cry on!
Here is Natalie and Grandma Lewis plotting and planning a Black Friday shopping trip. And Natalie was looking at all the toys she wants for Christmas.
Last week I cried as I went to work and left my baby at home. Today I wasn't prepared for the tears that came as I was driving home from work and from my identity as a DCFS caseworker. I have worked with various kids and families...some that I loved and enjoyed and some not so much. But the tears today were not for those kids or families...it was for my amazing coworkers.